by Tyler Moody
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
by Tyler Moody
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - NIGHT
As we fade in, we hear voices arguing. MIKE and LON sit
across the counter from each other, in the middle of a heated
fight. Totally unprecedented, right?
MIKE
(mid-sentence)
...pretend it never happened!
LON
I think it's for the best!
MIKE
We're supposed to, what? Forget
about it? "Oh, no, we weren't
locked in the vault. We never
kissed. We didn't have three of the
most mind-numbing quickies in
recorded history!"
Lon looks around to make sure no one is listening.
LON
Look! It's not that I didn't...
enjoy it. But for the sake of the
team...
MIKE
(throws his hands up)
The team! Oh, well, if it's for the
team! Why didn't you just say so.
The team has already taken over the
rest of my life-- why not my love
life as well?
Lon gets up and turns his back to Mike.
LON
Can't you just think rationally
about this?
MIKE
I'm irrational now?
LON
It would complicate things on a
massive scale!
MIKE
(beat)
Fine.
MIKE (CONT'D)
(angry)
But don't pretend for a minute--
for a damn minute-- that this is
for "the team." It's all about you
getting what you want.
Lon turns around to confront Mike about this, but Mike raises
a hand to stop him.
MIKE (CONT'D)
And that's fine. That's what things
are usually about anyway. But if
you were gonna do this, were gonna
flake out and back off... you never
should have kissed me in the first
place.
Mike gets up and heads to the stairs. He stops and looks at
Lon's dejected face.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Don't pretend to be all upset about
it. You got exactly what you want.
You should be glad.
Mike EXITS up the stairs. Lon sits back at the counter,
holding his head in his hands.
LON
(sadly)
Oh, yes. Very glad.
CUT TO:
INT. FRANK'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
FRANK and CORRINE are sitting across from each other in the
apartment, Corrine on the couch and Frank on a chair.
FRANK
You have to consider it.
CORRINE
No. It's impossible.
FRANK
How long have you known us? And
you're still going to use words
like impossible?
Corrine traces her neck with a finger, thinking.
CORRINE
It's just such a horrible thought,
Frank. Jon? Responsible for
everything that's been happening?
FRANK
We know that MacroWare is the
source of all these random,
inexplicable portal fluctuations.
Jon Bates is in charge of
MacroWare. It makes sense.
Corrine shakes her head.
CORRINE
Listen, Frank. I know Jon. He's a
good guy. Why would he need to
create these portals, summon these
monsters?
FRANK
(beat; tentative)
I... that's a good question. I
mean, I'm not saying it's
definitely him, Cor, but--
CORRINE
Do not call me that.
FRANK
(grinning)
Right. But I just don't want to
leave stuff like that to chance.
You know?
CORRINE
Yeah.
(nodding)
I'll try to find something out,
Frank. I don't think I will. But
I'll try.
Corrine stands up and heads to the door. Frank stands up, as
well.
CORRINE (CONT'D)
Bye, Frank.
FRANK
See ya around.
She leaves, and he pulls the door closed behind him. On the
heavy THUNK of the door closing, we:
BLACK OUT.
END TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT./EXT. WACKY TED'S RECORD STORE - DAY
VI is backing out of the store, a small plastic bag in one
hand. She's talking over her shoulder to someone inside the
store.
VI
All right, Ted, I'll check that
out.
She reaches the door and opens it with her free hand. When
she's OUT ON THE STREET, she turns around, literally bumping
into RICK.
VI (CONT'D)
Oh! Sorry!
RICK
Oh, that's cool--
(excited)
Vi! Hey!
VI
I didn't mean to, uh, run into
you...
RICK
I know, it's cool.
They look away from each other for an embarrassed beat.
VI
(oblivious)
I was just talking to Ted when I
was leaving, because he thinks I'm
in love with him, I don't know why,
I winked at him once when he said
something funny...
RICK
(interrupting)
Vi, seriously--
VI
But I didn't think anything about
that, and he went and took it all
the wrong way, and now things are
awkward, and every time I go in
there he's flirting with me and
it's really distracting and I'm
sorry.
Rick smiles and shakes his head gently.
VI (CONT'D)
What?
RICK
You just did a whole thing all by
yourself.
VI
Oh. Sorry. Again.
Rick puts his hand on Vi's shoulder. She looks at the hand
and blushes.
RICK
It's fine, Vi!
(laughs)
You apologize more than any girl
I've ever met.
VI
Sorr-- I mean, uh... really?
RICK
Yeah. It's actually kind of cute.
VI
(embarrassed)
Oh.
RICK
(tentative)
Hey, uh, Vi?
VI
Yeah?
RICK
You wanna go out? Sometime?
VI
(long beat; then, deadpan)
Yes.
RICK
Well, I've gotten more enthusiastic
reactions before.
VI
(still deadpan)
I'm afraid if I show too much
emotion I might explode. And get
all over your clothes. You probably
wouldn't want to date me if I'd
exploded on your nice jacket.
RICK
Also, you know, if you exploded,
you'd be... exploded.
VI
Exactly.
RICK
(laughs)
So tomorrow night? I'll call you?
VI
That would be lovely.
Rick looks at Vi's blank face for just one more second,
CRACKS UP, and walks off. Vi closes her eyes and counts to
three under her breath, then reopens her eyes.
VI (CONT'D)
(nearly squealing)
Oh my God! Oh my God!
She takes out her cell phone, presses a speed-dial button,
and hits call. She lifts the phone to her ear and begins to
walk down the street.
VI (CONT'D)
Tamsin? Tamsin Tamsin Tamsin! Guess
what!
CUT TO:
INT. MACROWARE OFFICES - DAY
Corrine stands outside Jon Bates's office.
CORRINE
(whispering)
The things I do...
She knocks on the door.
JON (O.S.)
Come in.
Corrine turns the doorknob and steps inside the office.
CUT TO:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - DAY
Mike sits at a table, textbook open, copying down information
to a notebook. The sound of FEET ON THE STAIRS causes him to
look up. It's Lon. Rolling his eyes, Mike turns back to his
book, shifting over in his chair slightly so he doesn't even
have to see Lon peripherally.
LON
Um, hello, Mike...
MIKE
Oh, sorry, I need to know up front:
If we have a conversation now, are
we gonna pretend that it didn't
happen later?
LON
(annoyed)
Can we just... you are impossible.
MIKE
Hey, you know, just pretend like
I'm not impossible. Seems to work
well for you.
Lon leans his forehead against the diner wall. This presents
an interesting scene when Frank enters from the kitchen:
Mike, with his back turned to Lon, folded up in a booth; and
Lon, pressed against the wall like an elementary school
student who's been sent to the corner. He shakes his head.
FRANK
It's always something new.
Startled, Lon jumps.
LON
Ah, Frank, I was just checking the
tiles for grout.
FRANK
Grout.
LON
Indeed, grout.
FRANK
You were checking my tiles for the
stuff they put in between tiles to
hold them together.
LON
Uh... is that what grout is?
FRANK
Mmhmm.
LON
So I probably should have found
some.
FRANK
I'm thinking.
Lon pats the wall, it apparently having met with his approval
and really hit it off.
LON
That's a... a fine job whoever
grouted this wall did.
From his booth, Mike LAUGHS arrogantly.
LON (CONT'D)
May I help you, over there?!
MIKE
Not even if I played you an
instructional video.
LON
Oh, very clever, you monstrous
little tosser!
As Mike prepares a witty retort, Frank slips away, heading
for the stairs.
FRANK
...the hell is my nephew?
CUT TO:
INT. JON BATES'S OFFICE - DAY
Corrine sits in a chair across a desk from JON BATES, CEO of
MacroWare. He's dressed informally, his hands placed on the
table in a specifically non-threatening manner. He's clearly
read every self-help book on effective managing.
JON
You wanted to talk?
CORRINE
Yeah-- er, yes.
Jon the usually confident woman suspiciously.
JON
(beat)
Go ahead.
CORRINE
Right, right. Uh. Yeah.
(mumbling)
Is your company involved in the
bringing about of an apocalypse?
JON
What?
CORRINE
(out loud)
Oh, I was just wondering how the
new O.S. launch is coming along?
Release date still firm? I know
it's close, but we could push it
back if we needed to.
JON
(laughing)
Corrine, no. It's fine.
Everything's coming along exactly
how it's supposed to. Right on
schedule, I suppose is the cliche.
Corrine fakes a smile.
CORRINE
Well, good. Good. I was just
checking in. You know how I worry.
JON
(with a smirk)
Oh, yeah, I think of Corrine
Dubois, I think "concerned mother
figure."
Corrine actually laughs this time.
CORRINE
Oh, Jon, I like to think I have a
very healthy motherly air. Just,
you know, suppressed.
A woman in my position can't afford
to show too much emotion. Well, I
mean, you know how that is.
Jon turns to look out the set-in window of his office. The
look on his face is wistful, almost regretful.
JON
Yeah. I do.
Uncomfortable with her boss's introspection, Corrine shifts,
crossing her legs and spreading her hands on Jon's desk.
CORRINE
Uh, Jon...
JON
Yeah?
Corrine gulps. Here it goes.
CORRINE
That isn't really what I wanted to
ask you.
JON
Oh? What was it then?
Off Corrine, biting her bottom lip:
CUT TO:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - NIGHT
Frank comes out of the kitchen once again. Mike is still
sitting in his booth studying.
FRANK
(to himself)
Where the Hell...
He cups his hands around his mouth.
FRANK (CONT'D)
(shouting)
Tyler!!
Mike looks up, annoyed as Frank rounds the corner and heads
for Tyler's room located behind the stairs.
CUT TO:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - TYLER'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS.
CU on the interior side of the door. Someone KNOCKS loudly
from the other side.
FRANK (O.S.)
Hey!
TYLER (O.S.)
What?
Frank opens the door and enters, and we follow, PANNING
AROUND FRANK to reveal TYLER and CALLIE sitting on beanbags
on the floor. He has his arm around her. They're watching
something on TV. Frank stands behind them, arms crossed.
FRANK
I've been looking for you.
TYLER
(without turning)
You found me.
FRANK
The diner's dirty.
TYLER
How can you tell?
FRANK
Ha-hah. Come on, I need someone to
help me clean up, and everyone else
is either busy, gone, or... I
dunno, weird.
Callie turns around, finger pressed to her lips.
CALLIE
Shh! Things are happening on the
television.
FRANK
What, exactly, are you watching
that's so fascinating?
Tyler waves his hand vaguely at the screen.
TYLER
Battlestar Galactica. Spaceships.
Robots. Religion. Not your kind of
thing.
Frank, however, has locked on to the screen.
FRANK
Wait a minute-- is that hot blonde
really making out with a nerdy
British guy?
TYLER
I've tried to get Lon to watch for
pointers, but he always scowls and
storms off.
Frank slowly moves across the room, reaching Tyler's bed and
sitting down on it.
FRANK
She reminds me of this broad Carla,
I used to know.
(wistfully)
Tried to kill me a time or two, but
man... what a looker.
Callie and Tyler exchange a glance and then look back to the
TV.
FRANK (CONT'D)
So what's the deal with this show?
TYLER
Well, it just finished its run last
week, and we're in mourning, 'cause
it's great.
CALLIE
So we're re-watching it. Kind of a
celebration.
FRANK
Huh. Catch me up to speed.
Tyler and Callie turn to each other again, eyebrows raised.
CUT TO:
INT. JON BATES'S OFFICE - DAY
As before.
CORRINE
I was just wondering, Jon, if,
uh...
JON
Corrine, not to, you know, not that
I don't value what you're saying
but I do have some work I need to--
CORRINE
(quickly)
You want to go to dinner some time?
JON
(surprised)
Um.
(beat)
Wow. Sure.
CORRINE
Really?
JON
(smiling broadly)
Yeah. It'll be fun.
CORRINE
Oh. Good! So, are you free
tomorrow?
JON
(laughs)
In a hurry?
CORRINE
I just don't believe in the
ridiculous "gotta wait three days
to call him back" thing you read
about.
Jon nods, impressed.
JON
Okay. Tomorrow sounds good.
CORRINE
I'll call you about details.
JON
Right.
Corrine stands. Jon stands. Corrine reaches out for Jon's
hand. He assumes it's a romantic gesture, but when he extends
his own, she shakes it, like they just finalized a merger
(hur hur hur) and turns sharply, walking out of the room.
Jon looks to the door with a confused expression on his face.
JON (CONT'D)
Okay.
CUT TO:
INT. MACROWARE OFFICES - CONTINUOUS
Corrine leans against the door to the office, head back.
An annoyed look crosses her face for a beat. As it turns to a
worried expression we:
BLACK OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. CHUCKY'S TAVERN - NIGHT
It's not a terribly busy night for the tavern. There are a
few empty tables, vacant chairs at the bar. In a corner of
the dining area sit Corrine and Jon together at a small
table.
JON
...and it was at that point I
decided I'd better get out of the
crazy man's taxi.
Corrine LAUGHS, genuinely this time, and traces her neck with
the back of a finger.
CORRINE
What did you do next?
JON
Oh, well, you know, I tried to get
him to pull over, but he wasn't
listening, he just kept muttering
under his breath, so I...
CORRINE
Yeah?
JON
I... sort of... opened the door and
jumped into the street.
For a moment, silence. Then Corrine LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.
JON (CONT'D)
Didn't think it was that funny...
CORRINE
No, the--
(gasping for breath)
The-- oh, god...
She can't talk, she's laughing too hard. So instead she just
points to her head.
JON
Okay, I don't know what's
happening.
Still laughing, she jabs her finger at her head to emphasize.
JON (CONT'D)
The-- what?-- the image is funny?
Corrine SNAPS her fingers and nods. She takes a couple DEEP
BREATHS to calm down.
CORRINE
Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm good now.
Sorry.
(giggles; stops herself)
Sorry. Thinking of Jon Bates, the
distinguished, refined, wealthy
owner of the largest software
company in the world is too much.
JON
I'm not a demi-god.
CORRINE
You didn't feel a little bit
ridiculous?
JON
Well...of course I did.
He LAUGHS this time, and Corrine has a relapse.
JON (CONT'D)
But I had to make a decision-- my
dignity or my life, you know?
Corrine nods.
JON (CONT'D)
Now I'm monopolizing. Let's talk
about you. It's been so long since
we...
The two share an awkward glance.
JON (CONT'D)
I feel like I barely know you
anymore. What have you been doing
in your spare time?
Subconsciously, Corrine's hand drifts to the cross she wears
around her neck.
CORRINE
Oh, you know me... I like to
read...
CUT TO:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - NIGHT
Frank stands at the back of the diner, at the microwave. Mike
is sitting in the same booth he was sitting in, still
studying. TAMSIN enters the diner, to the jingling of bells,
and Frank turns to face her.
TAMSIN
Knock knock!
FRANK
Hey, Tamsin, what's up?
TAMSIN
Bored at home. Nothing on TV. Vi's
on a date, so we can't do anything
fun.
FRANK
Well, I don't think you'll enjoy
yourself anymore here. Tyler and I
are watching DVD's in his room--
Tamsin raises her eyebrow at this.
FRANK (CONT'D)
A man can't bond with his nephew?
Tamsin continues to eye Frank.
FRANK (CONT'D)
Okay. Billie had to leave. Alpha
team stuff.
Tamsin smiles knowingly and nods.
FRANK (CONT'D)
And Princess Crybaby and Sleeps
With-Men there--
(jerks his head at Mike)
Are having some sort of a... well,
business as usual for them,
actually.
TAMSIN
Oh, really?
This catches Mikes attention. He looks up ready to defend
himself.
MIKE
Hey! It's not my fault your brother
is a spineless coward!
Tamsin studies Mike for a moment and turns to Frank.
TAMSIN
What's going on with--
But he throws up his hands to interrupt her.
FRANK
No. Uh-uh. I just came down here to
make some popcorn.
He motions towards the microwave. Tamsin shrugs and sits down
at the counter. Lon comes down the stairs, sees his sister.
LON
Tamsin! Hello, what are you doing
here?
MIKE
Oh, so she's actually here? We're
not gonna pretend she's not?
Tamsin gives Mike a puzzled look and turns to Lon. She mouths
"What's going on?"
LON
I-- I have no idea.
The microwave BEEPS. Frank digs around in the cabinet for
something to put the popcorn in, finally finding a large,
transparent bowl. He opens the microwave and pours the bag of
popcorn into the bowl, eating a piece as he does.
FRANK
Eh. Needs salt.
Lon points to the far end of the counter.
LON
Over there by the napkins.
Frank nods and reaches over, grabbing it. He examines the
salt shaker.
FRANK
Vi put too many rice grains in
this.
MIKE
Well, hey, maybe if the salt
pretends real hard the rice will
magically go away!
Lon tries his best to conceal his anger, whereas Frank raises
his eyebrow at Mike as he salts the popcorn.
FRANK
No, I don't think that'd work.
Not to be outdone, Lon half-turns to Mike.
LON
Perhaps Vi just thought it was
better to play it safe, to make
sure not to endanger the safety
of... the salt as a whole, instead
of just thinking about one or two
grains.
He raises his hands defensively, a guilty look on his face.
LON (CONT'D)
Just, you know, could be.
Frank is too busy salting the popcorn to have any kind of
clue what's going on. But Tamsin has caught a scent.
TAMSIN
Are you two okay?
MIKE
I think Lon is the best judge of
whether the two of us are okay. If
we're not he can always pretend
like we are. After all, anything is
possible in Imagination Land!
TAMSIN
Imagination-- what?
Frustrated, Lon crosses his arms.
LON
You know, I read in the paper this
morning that that show Tyler keeps
going on about, Life on Mars, got
cancelled. Probably because the
network realized that, although it
may have been a very good show...
Mike rolls his eyes. Tamsin looks confused.
LON (CONT'D)
...it just wasn't going to work,
and it was bringing down the
greater good.
I wish more people could make
mature decisions like that.
Mike stands up, pissed.
MIKE
You know, I was going to eat the
last donut in the case over there,
but then I thought, "No", I'd
better not, because any minute now
a starving man could come in and if
only that donut were around, he'd
not starve to death, but I ate it,
so he's dead. You know. Maybe
that's possible. So I'm not going
to risk actually eating the donut.
Never mind that I'd really enjoy
it. Because something bad might
could happen.
Frank is single-mindedly devoted to this popcorn issue.
FRANK
Salt's fine now, but where the
Hell's the butter?
Lon takes a step towards Mike, but still doesn't quite look
at him.
LON
Perhaps some things aren't quite
worth the risk!
MIKE
Perhaps some people need to get
over their paranoid fears, take a
damn chance, and do something with
their lives!
TAMSIN
This sounds a lot...
Mike heads for the stairs, but Lon's not quite done.
LON
Maybe there are some fears in this
life that should never be eaten!
MIKE
I don't think you have any clue
what you're talking about!
LON
(shouting)
Well, I...agree with you!
MIKE
Fine then!
He storms up the stairs. Lon violently SLAMS his hands on the
counter. A beat later he winces and blows on them.
LON
Ooh.
TAMSIN
What the hell just...
(to herself)
Did they...no. No. No no no. Of
course not, no. No.
She nods and smiles, cocking her eyebrow as she entertains
the delicious thought. Her smile fades slightly, but she
shakes her head to get the thought out.
TAMSIN (CONT'D)
No.
CUT TO:
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.